Coming out

For the past 15 years of my life, I haven’t been able to address or speak to a core part of who I was born as.

If you’re reading this and are a stranger, friend, coworker, peer - or someone in my close social circle - my mom or dad, my siblings, etc. then this will either come as a great surprise to you or something you’ve suspected but a conversation you never wanted to approach. All I ask of you is that you keep an open mind when interpreting my experience. I’m not writing about a political position, I am writing about me - the best part of me, the part of me which I love most and cannot change.

How this affects you (TL;DR for friends, family, and coworkers)

Here are the questions I believe you will have.

‘So, you believe you are a woman? You identify as transgender?’

Yes. I want you to know I fundamentally core to my soul believe I am a woman.

I’ve lived with that for 15 years, and this writing is the first time I have ever told anyone other than a sexual partner.

‘What should I do?’

If you wish to continue being a part of my life, you can write me something short like ‘Hey stephen, saw your post but didn’t have time to read the whole thing, just know I support you’

If I do not hear from you in the coming weeks, I will have no choice but to assume you wish to terminate communication with me as a result of disclosing who I am - which I am absolutely fine with.

‘What do I call you?’

Stephen is fine. He/him is fine. They/them is nicer, but I don’t mind whatever.

I am optimizing for your comfort because I like to be a pleasing person

If you’re curious what I call myself it is ‘Emi, she/her’

‘I understand, but feel uncomfortable about how to approach you now, is that okay?’

Yes. I’m open to talk, answer questions bluntly and honestly. I suggest only asking questions you are sure you want the answer to.

For friends and family, I am happy to answer questions that you may feel are intrusive, hateful, rude, etc. - I mean this genuinely, you don’t need to preface your questions with timidness. I’m an open book and will do my best to give you clarity into how my mind thinks here.

The uncomfort you are feeling right now about me saying I am a woman - I have lived with that confusion, discomfort, and at times fear and anxiety for the last 15 years of my life. I’m sorry you’re going through that.

‘Will you appear differently when I see you in person?’

Various people have noticed in the past few years changes to my appearance, including:

• Piercings
• Changes to my weight, chest, or face (I am happy with how I look today)
• Neon hair colors or long/wild hair styles
• Wearing my more feminine prescription glasses by accident in Zoom calls

All of these factors of my appearance I have in general tried to hide from you in one form or another - whether through jokes / brushing it off, or by altering my appearance before I see you face to face.

Those aspects I will no longer try to hide from you, because it’s frankly fucking annoying to do so. That said, I care about the comfort of people around me and understand that, for example, dressing in a skirt could make you uncomfortable. I have no plans to change how I dress in public, for the comfort of others and safety of myself.

‘Are you seeking treatment? Drugs? Surgeries?’

I am not interested in speaking publicly about specifics, but the general answer is that I am generally happy with how I am today and have been for the last few years of my life.

You should understand that I am not infected by some brain-eating worm like RFK Jr: I consider treatment, drugs, and surgeries just as seriously as you do for your own body and do not take them lightly.

‘Have you ever shared this with anyone?’

Besides a few sexual partners, no.

This is the first time anyone is publicly hearing this from me, and the first time my closest friends, family, relatives and peers will be hearing anything about it as well.

‘Will you date girls? guys? LGBT people?’

No major announcement here; I like girls, always have. I am not dating anyone currently.

‘Why now?’

Growing up in rural Arizona in the 2000s and 2010s, I remember hearing on the radio (yes, the radio) the talking heads debating whether or not gay people should be allowed to get married. I remember it was a massive conversation among adults at the time, and politicians were saying it was the devil, the rise of satanism, etc.

There were other experiences as a child that I will spare details on here so as to not cause concern for family/friends. Just know that I’m okay, and if you’re a parent reading this - I don’t feel like you failed me in any way.

As a teenager, dating people my own age was confusing and I couldn’t make sense of the dynamic at play because I wanted to be the woman in the relationship and the women I was dating wanted that too - which led to general confusion and ultimately the failure of all of my relationships. At this time, I did not have any notion or understanding of transgenderism, or most things in LGBTQ. It wasn’t until I was into adulthood ~9 years ago that I began to understand why I was different, how I was different, and why I was struggling with relationships both romantically and with my normal peer groups.

In adulthood, I took a remote job which gave me the ability to spend a good portion of my time alone and by myself isolated away from society. This gave me the opportunity to understand and explore who I was and express myself as just me at home - without feeling like I was imposing myself on anybody, because I am naturally a pretty comforming-to-society person.

Over the years, I’ve had various encounters with people from all different walks of life - in programming communities or elsewhere that:

a. Threw me heavily me off my footing and made me feel like someone ‘saw who I was’ in both intimate and friend-group situations. b. Allowed me to see other people living life with different choices than me.

It was around this time maybe 4-5 years ago that I knew I could live publicly if I wanted to, but seeing some of the immense hardship faced by some of these individuals - both with normal friend-group interactions and in professional settings, I was not sure that I would be capable of facing this, wondering every day:

• Whether people would hide their true thoughts/opinions around me (’the libs’, ‘I identify as an apache helicopter’, etc.) or not because they feel I am too sensitive to hear what they have to say? Or because I’m not part of ’the boys club’?
• Whether that promotion I missed is genuinely because I didn’t perform enough on merit, or because of people’s biased perceptions.
• Whether that opportunity I got was on my own hard work and merit, or someone else’s perception of what is right or wrong?
• Wondering if people sitting at a table are taking what I am saying seriously, or thinking something else and just nodding along?

In short, I was afraid to be public about who I am because I was afraid of how those around me would react. I thought that living the remainder of my life in private would really not be so bad, and until today that was my intention.

After the historic election results of 2024, I am no longer afraid of those around me. Rather, I am afraid of my entire country. I am afraid that approximately half of my country, in one form or another, feels I am less than human - deserving less of an ability to treat my physical and mental health - and believes my right to live as a person free from government overreach, persecution, and violence - is not important.

As a result, I felt forced today to be public about who I am - to let people know we are out there, hiding in the shadows among you, terrified of the reckless decisions you make that affect the remainder of my short life.

Respectfully, fuck you and peace motherfuckers.

Stephen (he/him)

Emi (she/her)